i'm over it but like not really

i got ghosted and i'm bitching about it: feeling petty and wanting vindication that’s never coming

photo from pinterest

I met a pretty girl during pride month and she ghosted me a couple weeks later. now look, i of course have been ghosted countless times before, but this time it truly was different: the rejection hit me so deep it created ripple effects on my inner world.

let me just preface by saying that I genuinely do not harbor feelings of hate towards this person and I ultimately do not wish her harm nor do I wish her complete misery (maybe just a lil bit not a lot) BUT I am angry and I’m allowed to be. okay? alright.

OKAY SO WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS

couple weekends ago, I saw her at a party for the second time since she stopped talking to me. eye roll and heavy sigh when I peep her walk in. a friend tells me “she’s a sweetheart, she’s not even worried about you” and… well that’s the problem innit?

look, I’m well aware that she’s a sweetheart because she was so sweet to me. we matched on hinge and she was immediately very forward. we met up for the first time at a pride party and she was very touchy so we were immediately all up on each other. she would send me good morning texts and refer to me as baby every 5 minutes, call me before bed so she could fall asleep to my voice, tell me how glad she was that we met, shower me with compliments. we were on the phone almost everyday and the three times we hooked up were amazing. we had all these conversation about communication and we had agreed this was going to be just for fun. in true sapphic fashion it was very much approaching situationship territory, which I was trying to avoid, but I couldn’t resist her pull.

now… laugh with me: the reason why this feels pathetic and ridiculous is because we only were talking for 2-3 weeks. LMFAO. that’s a very insignificant amount of time in the grand scheme of things and yet, it was enough time to create an attachment that sent my inner children into a tizzy.

the last night I saw her was a tuesday. she invited me over to her place so we could have a hangout based on this boy band from our childhood that meant a lot to us (like, A LOT). she had been waiting for someone to sing these songs to her since middle school, and I had been waiting to sing them to someone since middle school. that boy band was a defining moment of our formative years , so it was a perfect match. we had a great fucking time. my inner child was full of joy after finally serenading and kissing a pretty girl to these jams, we couldn’t stop giggling and smiling, we hooked up for the third time and it felt very passionate (to me at least). I fell asleep as she was writing a poem she was going to perform the following day, and she woke me up to leave at like 3am. we kissed goodbye and she seemed excited to see me again.

wednesday morning i wish her luck with her work event, no reply. we were supposed to have a sleepover that evening, but I don’t hear anything from her until the end of the day. she sends me a message that sounds a bit too impersonal, something you’d send a coworker (thank you for the well wishes?? what happened to thank you baby?) , telling me she needs time to unwind after her busy day, “I think it would be better to check in once I have a moment to myself”. by that I thought she meant in the next 2 days since we had plans: we were gonna spend the night together and hang out all of thursday since we both had the day off for Juneteenth. she leaves me on read. I’m thinking it’s because she’s been busy prepping for this artist showcase she invited me to on friday. I originally told her I wouldn’t be able to make it because I was going out of town, but turns out I came back early enough so I decided to surprise her. she kept telling me how much she wanted me to be there, and how disappointed she was that i couldn’t go, so obviously one would think she would be happy to see me, right?

so, quick recap: we hang out tuesday, it goes great. we’re supposed to see each other wednesday night, she only texts me to cancel at the end of the day. we’re supposed to hang out thursday, she leaves me on read. at that point i’ve been ghosted but i don’t realize it yet (go ahead, laugh with me)

I didn’t get to talk to her until the very end of the performances, and I could tell the energy had shifted. she went from being very touchy to keeping me at arms length. she pulls me to the side to talk, I jokingly ask her if I’m in trouble. she says she’s happy that I came to support but she’s caught off guard cause she wasn’t expecting me to be there. she is very visibly uncomfortable so I ask her “do you want me to leave?” to which she replies yes because she wants to focus on the rest of her event. I say cool, hug her goodbye, she says she’ll text me later. i never hear from her again.

just laugh at this with me: i deadass didn’t realize i got ghosted until i showed up to the event that she invited me to and she asked me to leave lmaoooo(ouch)ooo

as I leave the building I can feel my chest tighten. I go sit on a bench at the park across the street, heavy breathing, the pain inside me growing as if someone just kicked me in the lungs. I’m just sitting in complete shock and confusion. did I too much? should I have given her a heads up? did I do something wrong? was she with someone else? mind is racing looking for explanations, looking for something to blame, my hands are shaking, my head is on a swivel as my eyes are scanning the park looking for someone to offer some kind of explanation, anything. I sat there in disbelief until I was finally able to focus my breathing enough to calm down. (does this qualifies as a small panic attack? cause I never get those)

I was deadass so confused and so fucking distraught. this was weighing on my mind for dayyyys. the thing is, it wasn’t even my adult self that was so bothered - if anything I was ready to move on and go shake some ass - but my inner children were AWAKE and started taking turns throwing tantrums. the next 2-3 days were an absolute roller coaster of emotions:

cried twice on saturday. woke up feeling the teen angst of my 16 year old self, who let out tears of rage, because how dare she discard us like this? later on it was my 12 year old self who was sobbing, wondering why we weren’t enough. did making out to the songs from our childhood mean nothing? why get rid of us right after such a vulnerable moment?

I went to a party that day and danced my ass off, met new people, flirted around, made new friends. I left lighter, full of laughter, relieved that I wasn’t upset anymore and feeling ready to move on.

woke up sunday feeling bothered again. fuck. couldn’t pinpoint why because from my understanding I had left it all on the dance floor the night before. I go on instagram and of course her story pops up. she’s posting about what a busy but awesome weekend she had, showing everything she had done and accomplished. I felt the deep rage boil inside me again. here I was torn up, wondering where I went wrong, hoping she’d come back and give me an explanation or something… but as my friend stated, she was not worried about me. this time it was my 8 year old self in tears as I felt the depth of my abandonment issues. i softblocked her.

my 8 year old, 10 year, 12 year old, 14 year old and 16 year old selves all woke up. all the teen angst, the depths of the anxious attachment style, the fear of abandonment, the feeling that i am too much and not enough at the same time, the idea that something was wrong with me. the memories of all the ways I’ve been mistreated when I wasn’t considered desirable. everything hit me like a fucking truck. not to mention that being on T has amplified my emotions so I truly was feeling like I was 16 again, full of grief and anger with nowhere for it to go.

i’m particularly pissed because she woke up the 8 year old. that’s the deep seated issues. think of it that way: it took 6 bedtime stories, 3 glasses of milk, several bathroom trips, had to check for the monster under the bed and in the closet 4 times, but I was FINALLY able to tuck the baby to sleep. and then here this pretty girl comes, slamming the door on her way in, making hella fucking noise, stumbling and stomping around, waking both the baby AND all the other kids up. you’d lose your fucking shit too!

I’m also pissed because we had aaall these talks about communication and keeping it open and adjusting boundaries as needed etc. the bar was on the fucking floor and she still tripped on it. went from texting every single day to being left on read overnight. I deadass have never been ghosted this abruptly - others at least had the courtesy to give me slower and shorter texts overtime, but she discarded me overnight. we sent good morning texts, we checked in during the day even when it was busy. she initiated all the closeness with the pet names (when I say she was calling me baby every single time we spoke out loud im not joking), the calls to fall asleep to my voice. she was making time for me and all of the sudden she wasn’t, so yea im bitter about it actually! again, we had all these talks about communication, so even if it’s my fault for giving her the ick, I’d appreciate being told so. if she started seeing someone else, she could’ve just said that cause I wouldn’t have had an issue with it. and yes, she has every right to distance herself from me, but there IS a BIG difference between “I’ll check in when I have some time to myself” and disinviting me on the fucking spot after days of telling me how badly you wanted me to be there.

anyfuckingway.

I’m embarrassed by the fact that I didn’t peep she was ghosting me before showing up to her event, but at the same time, the blame ain’t on me. you wanted me there, you’ve been telling me for days that you wanted me there, I show up, now you’re asking me to leave? ain’t that some bullshit? seriously how is that fair?

I moved on in the sense that she doesn’t actively take up space in my mind anymore. but I’m still pissed about how she made my inner child feel safe enough to come out then tossed me aside the next day. I’m not fucking disposable so don’t fucking treat me like I am. so yea when I see her that’s all I feel, the teen angst, the pettiness, the anger that comes with feeling discarded and abandoned. I’m still bothered because I want to be vindicated and I know it’s never happening and before you ask… yes there is scorpio in my chart. I’m gonna be sooo fucking honest: yes, I would like her to feel the exact pain she put me thru and then apologize for it once she realizes how bad it hurt. again, never happening! so feeling petty is the next best step. I dont even hate her! I just want her to feel what I felt.

photo from pinterest

I’m so serious when I say that my therapist had to explain to me that I got lovebombed. loveboooombed?? yup, lovebombed. and that’s when I learned there’s actually 2 kinds: the intentional type people use to control/manipulate, the unintentional type people use due to insecure attachment styles. basically my headass landed on yet another avoidant (y’all deserve the lashings and slander, sorry!)

this honestly leads to a broader conversation about the way that cis fems specifically have treated me over the years. there’s a pattern here and i don’t like it. between being treated like a piece of meat, an emotional punching bag, and as disposable, I’m over it. I’m talking about the girly girls - she was the first one I messed with in a long while. I spent the last 2-3 years dating and hooking up with trans/gnc individuals who were more fem than me but still treated me with a lot more care, dignity, kindness and respect that cisfems have. since then, I’ve made the decision to only deal with cis women who are lesbians because they generally treat me with more care than non-lesbians like pretty girl have.

ultimately, the reason why I don’t hate her is because this could’ve been anybody else doing this to me. so I maybe one day I’ll fully get over it. not today or tomorrow or even the day after that tho! first time I saw her since she stopped talking to me, we made eye contact and didn’t speak to each other. the stud she was with was definitely not as cute as me and yes, I absolutely reveled in that fact :)